Archive for the ‘List article’ Category

Posh!

Sorry, I’ve just always fancied beginning a statement that way. Though it’s less of an introduction and more of an exclamation. It’s how I imagine rich folk would swear. You know, if they ran out of monocle cleaner at the worst possible time. I like to think that in extreme cases, they just straight up vomit live pheasants into stovepipe hats.

Now you know why they're so deep...

Now you know why they’re so deep…

I would like to say I’m somewhat couth and cultured. It’s just I don’t have the financial backing to prove it. And my twirly cane has fallen into a river. A river of homeless people. So I’m going to make amends the only way I know how: with alcohol. So for your reading pleasure, I have taken on the task of tasting and analysing some expensive red wines from around the world. Or at least opposite the Cheese Strings in your local Waitrose (probably)…

Château Ducru Beaucaillou, 2007, St Julien

Price: £79

The Wine Society says:

Bruno Borie made a stunning success of the challenging 2007 vintage and this was a standout wine at the primeur tastings. 90% Cabernet Sauvignon, 10% Merlot, with top-quality press wine adding tannin and body.

My notes:

I bet this is how Jesus’ blood would taste if he hadn’t had a transfusion in, like, months. I like the way the, er, liquid (red) pours into the glass. It’s almost like it fits the receptacle perfectly. Okay, right off the bat it’s obvious I’m not sure what I’m talking about. Also, the waitress keeps giving me funny looks, all because I insisted she address me as Lord Lordington: Hymen Remover.

Almaviva 2008

Price: £75

The Wine Society says:

2008 is a wonderful vintage for the top Maipo wines, with a long, cool autumn resulting in a late harvest of ripe yet fresh grapes. Yields were low (20-45hl/ha). The blend is 66% Cabernet Sauvignon and 8% Cabernet franc from Puente Alto in Maipo for structure and a cedary top note, with 26% carmenère from Peumo, Rapel, for flesh. Aged 18 months in new French barriques. Patience will be rewarded.

My notes:

Okay, apparently you’re not supposed to swallow the wine up in this bitch. I also feel a bit guilty quaffing wine that’s worth more than I make in a day, especially when Strongbow is on offer. This Almaviva is rather refreshing, though. It has a rather rich and chocolately quality about it. Each sip is like a smooth intake with a heavenly cocoa texture and aftertaste. I should probably stop dipping my Mars Bar into it…

Château Le Boscq, 2005, Saint-Estèphe

Price: £29

The Wine Society says:

Generous, modern claret from the Dourthe stable, superb in this ripe vintage, when a smaller quantity of top-quality wine was made. Still showing seductive oaky flavour but with plenty of lush fruit in support.

My notes:

First of all, I’m not quite sure why wines with an ‘oaky’ quality are good. If someone tried to sell me a drink based on its proximity to a Birch tree I’d probably never shop there again. Secondly, what is the fascination with naming wines “Castle” (Chateau for you uncultured vermin)? I’m willing to bet that noble knights and kings drank and ate only the finest, but I’m also willing to suggest they had a room in said castle specifically for poop.

Côtes du Roussillon Villages, Tautavel, Clos des Vignes, Domaine Gardiés, 2008

Price: £14.50

The Wine Society says:

Jean Gardiés is one of the top growers in the Roussillon with vines close to the famous prehistoric caves. This is full-bodied and generous with a touch of spice.

My notes:

This is a bit more reasonably priced, but holy balls that is one giant ass-fuck of a name. Wine tastes pretty good. Could use a 2×4 in it, though. These posh folk love their wine with some willow or some shit. Also, I’m sure our waitress has taken a liking to me. She keeps grimacing at my choice of outfit and wafting me away with a doyley. Which I’m pretty sure is the international symbol for ‘do things to me that put my family name in the gutter’.

Ch Cheval Blanc 1990 St Emilion

Price: £675

The Wine Society says:

We laugh in the face of poor people when we crack this bad boy open. [paraphrased slightly]

My notes:

They…they’re laughing. They are downright chortling right onto their servant’s lapels. They’ve just paid nearly £700 for a bottle of wine and they don’t seem phased by this figure. It’s like you and me splashing out on Japanese beer because we feel domestic stuff is beneath us. Oh god, they’re not even drinking it! They’re just pouring it onto the floor. The poshest one (I just call him Swish #3) has smashed one end of the bottle against a marble column. He’s…he’s advancing on me…shit! I’ve been uncovered. They know I’m not rich! They’ve seen me secretly munching on a saveloy in between glasses. This is it…if I don’t make it out, tell my wife I love her. And the hor d’oeuvres were delectable…

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I’m secretly Mussolini. That business about me being executed? Nope. I’m fine. Old as balls but fine…

No, okay I lied. I mustn’t make a habit of doing that. The little children depend on me to be altruistic. What I meant to say was that I’m a big fan of Youtube “Let’s Play” videos. I’ve been watching them on a frequent basis for some two or three years now and if you don’t know what they entail let me fill you in somewhat.

Shame about that really. I would have made a great bald Italian fascist...

Shame about that really. I would have made a great bald Italian fascist…

Let’s Play videos are game-related playthroghs with commentary done by the person doing the recording. Most of the time they’re prerecorded with editing and cuts implemented for brevity but some are live recordings. As dull as this may sound I have been following a number by people who I deem to be rather entertaining. It could be their reactions to what’s happening on screen (many have webcam inserts of their face showing them playing the game). It could be their nonsensical diatribes when things go wrong. They could just be funny fuckers. Either way it’s these multitude of video game commentaries that give me yet more reason to not bother with a TV license (the scam that it is).

Seriously, I genuinely think this shit is more entertaining than the vast majority of what television has to offer. Don’t believe me? Try watching a whole evening’s worth of Saturday night programming without succumbing to the arbitrary desire to punch a vole or scream at buses.

So I’d like to share with you some of my favourites. Now, these aren’t people who are scrambling for subscribers. Most have thousands (if not millions!) already. So this is not some cheap plug towards my friends’ Youtube channels. I don’t know these people but if I did I would buy them a cake. Any cake. Not cheesecake. That shit’s for weirdos.

And no I’m not posting a link to Pewdiepie here…Get out of it you…

ChaoticMonki (AKA Cry)
For a guy who’s never once shown his face on camera there is definitely something about him that has men and women alike simply encapsulated by him. Many say it’s his soothing voice. I would have to agree with them. Just thinking about it makes me grow ovaries. Also: never, ever ask him to show his face. Death awaits those who do.

BlueXephos (AKA The Yogscast…AKA Lewis & Simon)
Some of you may already be familiar with these two. They do (or did) podcasts before getting involved with Let’s Play videos. While fans like both of them equally I think it’s generally accepted that Simon is the funny one of the two. Is it because he’s portly? Only time will tell. I actually haven’t watched their videos for a while but I did enjoy the ‘Shadow of Israphel’ series.

CinnamonToastKen
I actually became aware of this player via Cry but I’ve been enjoying his stuff ever since. I particularly love how professional his videos look. I don’t know how he’s managed to superimpose his webcam image on the screen the way he has. Seriously guys…this is about as nerdy as I get…

Markiplier
Me and my girlfriend happened upon this guy while looking for amusing videos of the horror indie game Slender so he’s a new addition to my subscription list. While amusing to watch he also gets a lot of respect from me as he uses his video channel to help raise money for charity. But he does scream a lot. Yeah, there is that.

Maybe I’ve give a little back to the community by posting these links. Maybe a few of you reading this now have a better understanding of what I do in my spare time and why important shit in my life never gets accomplished. Maybe I should start doing some Lets Play videos and put an end to this unnecessarily cruel act of depriving people of my glorious face and voice.

Leave a comment. On my face.

At the very least I’d like to think of myself as a book nerd. I did a post quite a while back expressing my actual boner for literature. And yeah I love computers and know enough about them to do most things with them and some troubleshooting. But in general I don’t think I’m a nerd or geek or a dweeb or a spacker or a fuckface or a…

…sorry I got carried away there…

…and I think maybe it’s because there are certain geek cultural phenomenons that I just don’t get. Not because I don’t understand the appeal behind them there just seems to be this barrier that makes me think ‘meh, so what?’

Things like:

Star Wars

I like Star Wars as a film and have enjoyed a couple of the games. Through my film studies I understand the immense impact it has had on the modern blockbuster and its vast, ever expanding universe means that there is always something new to discover; some other side story or unveiled…thing. I don’t know.

But I just can’t browse certain sites without seeing references to it everywhere. Cracked.com is one of my favourite web sites but there is a Star Wars reference exactly 3000% of the time. I actually understand more about the universe through accidentally stumbling upon it over the Internet than I do studying the films and/or novelizations. I like that people have taken the idea and ran with it to Goliath proportions but I honestly could not see myself devoting myself to such a franchise.

Also: Jedi is now a recognised religion. ’nuff said.

Batman

“Batman is friggin’ awesome!”

“Batman could easily defeat [x] in a fight!”

“Because he’s Batman!”

“Woooo! Batman!”

These are phrases I will never utter. Again, the batman franchise is enjoyable. Arkham Asylum is an amazing game as is The Dark Knight (I haven’t seen Dark Knight Rises just yet. Mob pitchforks are just there on your right…) but quite literally any argument can be broken down by simply introducing the Caped Crusader into the mix.

I bet whole presidential campaigns could be won in a landslide if one of the candidates were to give their addresses in a batmask and cape. Or do their ad campaigns via bat signal. You may laugh but think how many obsessive batman fans out there would vote in favour if the candidate stood at their podium with a giant cut out of the batman logo framing them. Go on, actually think about that for a second. I’ll wait for your to scoop your brains back up…

…maybe this just goes back to me not being a big comic book fan. I have tried in the past but much

like talking to women at a bar it’s always best left to those who know what they’re doing. Bat-single mode activated.

Macs

This is not one of those Macs vs. PC rants just so you know. I’ll admit that I have used a Mac probably twice in my whole life. “Oh! So how can you judge it then Judgey-McJudgerson!” First of all, I don’t know how you found out my superhero alias, second I’m not here to judge it based on its quality. We used it in uni to do a presentation and it worked out pretty well, It looked professional and we did well on the assignment. Job done. I can’t say whether or not it is a great machine for audio/video manipulation and editing. But what I can say is this: £1500 is not what someone should be paying for a computer that does the same as a machine that’s available at half the price.

A wee story: a while back I was dating this girl who expressed interest in purchasing a MacBook. I happened to be in town at the time of receiving this text so I walked into my local Currys and had a look for her. Just out of mild curiosity you understand.

I immediately sent her as text suggesting she not spend that much on a computer. The hardware specifications that I compared to a PC did not match the price. It was double what it should have cost (around the aforementioned £1500) and I couldn’t see why it was vastly more expensive. I came to two conclusions: 1) It’s so cleverly marketed that you are essentially paying for the brand not the hardware, 2) it’s a scam.

And yes I do use PCs with Windows but I’m not ranting and raving about the quality of it. At least I know I’m being duped.

Pokemon

Because I’m not twelve…

(see also Harry Potter)

I wonder how many friends I just alienated…

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I’ve done a wee bit of freelance work in the past. Oh yes sir, indeed. A review here, an article there, some copy over there perhaps, and those lyrics to that one Showaddywaddy song that I totally wrote and totally didn’t get any credit for (liability reasoning dictates that I stress that last bit was a lie. You never know who can’t take a joke these days…)

And recently I’ve been given some more to be getting on with whilst my evenings dwindle away. It’s a vocation that I feel has ups and downs. Doing something you like doing and being paid for it sounds like a pretty lush lifestyle. There are probably numerous places you can go on the Internet that can give you the lows and highs on working from home during your own time. I shall spare your intelligence by not repeating what they say here and instead present to you the seven emotions that come with freelancing.

(Friendly note: these are based off my own experiences and are not indicative of every freelance writer the world is constantly churning out. Because fuck you, that’s why…)

"I love not having to commute. But I love not wearing pants even more!"

1) Elation

You’ve been trying for months (possibly years) to get a hold on a small amount of work to be getting on with while you seek what you want in life. Anything to just beef up your CV and supplement your income. And then you get that one response that says you’re good enough to be given a shot. It might not be much but someone, somewhere, somenaked, has decided that you are acceptable enough to take on some freelance work.

Now you can pay your bills and eat. Ooh la laa!

2) Excitement

All systems are go. You wake up fresh on your first day ready to jump in front of your computer and begin your first assignment (unless it’s a one-off project). And you think ‘Hey, I’m working but I’m still at home. Look at me in my underpants. Working. Like a motherfucker. I can poop whenever I want!

It’s that initial reaction to being told that ‘hey, just sit right there and we’ll send the work to you. Nice underpants. Yeah, your webcam being on is not a requirement’

Let the freelancing begin!

3) Realisation

Things are going well. Your editor asks for some sample or tests articles to make sure you understand the task. You do them in record time and email them off. They email you back with a thumbs up. Possibly drawn in MS Paint. Either way it’s a go ahead to begin the real work.

But after a while you begin to realise that although you are right where you want to be (still in your underpants) you are also being paid to sit right there and work. That sounds good, right? Exactly what you wanted, yeah? But then it hits you that this is now a job! And unlike a regular job where you get paid by the hour – even if you doss about sniffing empty chairs when no one’s looking – this is work you are being paid for by the workload. Ergo: no finished work, no payment.

4) Boredom

Boredom may be a strong word to use in this sense, it must be said. Not all freelancing is boring. But if you’re like me and you do a lot of copywriting there is a lot of monotonous work that needs to be done. In my recent tasks I have literally had to rewrite similar articles almost twenty-five times, just changing keywords here and there.

It’s not hard work of course. But not only do you now have to contend with the fact that you aren’t getting anything until the work is done, you also have to get yourself into an autopilot mindset where you just do the work effectively, quickly but above all, correctly before you give yourself any leisure time.

5) Desperation

Every single student in the world has hit this feeling at some point. You know exactly what I mean. Your editor (or in the case of students: your professor) is emailing about those articles they sent for you to do. You worked it out with military precision exactly how many words / pages you’d need to do each day in order to get it done on time. So why are you less than a few hours away from the deadline with only half the work done?

Oh that’s right: you also work in close proximity to the Internet! That harbinger of distractions that somehow needs to be intertwined into your day to be used for researching those articles you were writing for payment. What Faustian devilry has been bestowed upon you mortal!

6) Utter relief

This happened to me tonight. The work I was doing didn’t technically have to be in for probably a couple more days. But with being back at my regular job tomorrow and the other project that someone else is asking to be completed shortly I spent a large portion of my free time sat in front of a word processor with the nubs of my burning fingers inching to the finish line.

So when you send off that last article or assignment the very world and all its toils life immediately from your shoulders and your editor’s shoe somehow shifts and loosens itself form betwixt your buttocks. And that’s when you break out the whiskey…

7) Pride

I’m ending this on a positive note because I want people (especially if my editor is reading) to understand that I enjoy what I do because it gives me a new outlook on how writing in the freelance world works. Writing is something I enjoy and being on my laptop is something I am want to do on a constant basis. So to combine those two elements and receive a small payment for it makes sense.

I am given the chance to hone in on a skill I want to be fantastic at. I may never get the chance to help co-write a screenplay by an established writer who knows it will sell millions. But I take some degree of pride in my life and some solace in the fact that if I am willing to delve deep into the world of commercial copywriting or business blogging it shows that I am a professional with nothing left to lose.

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Those who know me know that I am a sucker for metal. Something about a group of sweating men with long hair singing songs about rocking out and murdering women just does it for me.

But it’s not all I am, ya know? So for a limited time only (i.e. when WordPress deletes my account for an infraction of some sort) I am here to present my favourite non-metal albums of all time. Sit tight folks, it’s about to get diverse…

Pearl Jam – Ten (1991)

Much like Soundgarden and Nirvana, Pearl Jam are just one of those bands that seem to automatically encapsulate the term ’90s’. You think of this band and images of ripped jeans, unwashed hair and Weird Al music videos spring to mind. This album is just rife with some good ol’ alternative rock catchiness. It’s simultaneously angst-laden yet passionate and soulful (and I’m not the type to just go around using the word ‘soulful’ willy-nilly). Eddie Vedder’s voice suggests a certain degree of melancholy without going too much into that whole anger ‘I have daddy issues’ rage…ignore the obvious fact that the album’s most famous track ‘Alive’ is about his estranged father…

Favourite track: Black

Slipknot – Slipknot (1999)

This is an iffy one to choose. Slipknot are one of those bands that tend to split the niche group up. There are those who are insistent that they are a metal band. While others snub these believers and claim they are nothing more than a watered down version of what metal actually is. I am inclined to agree more with the latter group. So although there are metal elements and metal influences, this album is not what I would define as metal. That said, this album was released round about the time my teenage hormones were enjoying the peak of their success and so it complimented my annoying, pseudo-rebellious, obnoxious outlet perfectly. I was an annoying scrote during those years.

Favourite track: Purity

At The Drive-In – Relationship Of Command (2000)

When producer Ross Robinson (early Korn and Slipknot) recorded this album he was adamant that he wanted to capture their on-stage energy. Now, anyone who knows even a tiny iota about the music industry knows that albums are generally recorded bit by bit, and layer by layer. This album is one of those rare instances where the producer stuck the band in a recording studio, hit the record button and said “go” at a loud volume. The result is probably one of the most pumped up CDs I’ve ever heard. It took a few listens to get into it admittedly but I’m now convinced that if you ground up this album it would be classed as an illegal stimulant.

Favourite track – Invalid Litter Dept.

Genesis – We Can’t Dance (1991)

This album smacks of nostalgia for me. Released when I was around seven years old pretty much every track has a fond place in my memories (even after all my incessant drinking). It’s hard to pinpoint – aside from growing up on this album – what it is I like specifically about it. It’s quite a serious and melancholic album but there’s barely a single track on here that isn’t a potential hit. It’s also one of those albums that has a calming quality about it. Like an administered muscle relaxant. Only with more synthesiser.

Favourite track: Fading Lights

The Jimi Hendrix Experience – Are You Experienced? (1967)

Because it’s fucking Jimi Hendrix! Get a clue!

Favourite track: Red House

 


And now, because I simply cannot resist, my favourite metal album:

Metallica – …And Justice For All (1988)

It’s very tempting, – as a Metallica fan – to say that ‘Master Of Puppets’ or ‘The Black Album’ are my favourites. MOP is, arguably, their finest hour musically and ‘Black Album’ is their most commercially successful album by far. But it will always be ‘…And Justice For All’ that wins it for me. It’s smack bang in between their thrash heydays and their more generic hard rock leanings that makes early fans cry into their morning cup of Bovril. It’s a much more complicated and multi-layered album that, for me, shows how musically tight and complex the Bay Area thrashers can be. It’s also nice to see some of Cliff Burton’s inputs make its way into this album despite the notable cause of his being crushed by a bus beforehand.

Favourite track: To Live Is To Die

There ya go folks. Makes a nice change to dick jokes doesn’t it?

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I come from a generation that is accustomed to the everday use of computers. Now it’s true that not every family had one when I was growing up (we didn’t get out first computer until I was about 15) but that didn’t stop us from learning about them in schools or cycling 87 miles to a friend’s house just to see what 16MB of RAM could do (for comparison’s sake, the netbook I’m using to type this out has 1024 MB of RAM…and that’s primitive compared to modern standards!).

But even back then it wasn’t until the end of the 1990’s that the Internet started to grow exponentially in popularity. And if you were hooked up to the ‘information superhighway’ you had to make sure no one else was using the phone, or that you had a good book to hand whilst waiting for your modem to dial-up.

Current and future generations will never understand the nostalgic joy of a novelty such as installing a 20MB game from about nine floppy disks, or that thrill of being the first in your neighbourhood to see Internet cleavage.

As a result I feel that people are becoming spoiled with how readily available this technology is. We have the Internet on our phones for fucks sake! (Who the hell saw that coming?!) And with this nonchalant attitude towards computers I feel it’s time to lay down some words of wisdom for new users to the information age.

It’s a computer…not a space shuttle launch

Having a computer these days is like having a head. Chances are if you don’t have one then you are a mere headless chicken flapping about the farmyard of social mores and gushing blood from your neck of…ignorance, I guess (metaphors are awesome!). Computers are about eight billion times easier to operate than they were twenty years ago when you had to type command prompts onto a black screen to load Doom II.

Laptops and computers are now ready to go with just about anything. Including the Internet. Gone are the days of having to strip and hook up metres upon metres of CAT5 cables to feel ‘connected’. PC ports at the back are even colour coded so you know which peripheral goes into which slot. And everything is pretty much becoming USB compatible anyway so you practically cannot go wrong!

But people still don’t know how to handle these things. I’ve had people in the past call me up in regards to a problem that, nine times out of ten, has been caused by them changing a setting that they didn’t understand and causing the binary equivalent of a stroke. I’ve been guilty of this myself in the past I must admit.

But let me draw up a comparative example:

I don’t know dick-fart about cars. What I know about mechanics you could convert into the venom of a Black Widow spider, squeeze it into a syringe and inject the poison into my eyeball and I’d feel nothing but a slight twinge. I don’t even have a license and I haven’t done lessons in years.

If you put me behind the wheel of a car and told me to drive to the end of the street I could do it pretty easily. If you told me to drive around the estate I could probably manage it after a few bumpy starts. But if you told me to drive to Salsbury Plains and back I’d curl up in the boot and question why a just god would hate me so.

In other words I am a beginner at driving. So if I don’t know how to drive then I’m certainly not going to go tinkering about under the bonnet and start pulling plugs out willy-nilly. And the fact that I used ‘plugs’ as mechanical terminology only furthers my point.

So if I won’t go farting about inside a car’s engine why on earth would someone who is only just getting used to the idea of a QWERTY keyboard suddenly go dashing about inside their systems very important settings? If you don’t know what you’re doing then don’t do it. Remember that sentence it’ll probably save you a lot of aggro in the coming years.

And because most of you will not take in the above advice, I feel it is my duty to talk to you about:

Getting a computer fixed

Okay, shit goes wrong with computers. That’s a fact of life. Or technology. Or, whatever. Eventually, whether through your own fault or not (see above advice), the inevitable will happen. Every computer has crashed at some point and yours is no exception. So it’s wise to know what to do in these situations.

If your system isn’t functioning at its most efficient (‘shittingly buggered’ as we adepts say) then it will need to be fixed. And depending on the severity of the problem will depend on how you go about doing it. A minor set back could be easily resolved with something as easy as, say, a quick restart. Like putting a small fire out with your foot. Occasionally the problem may require the assistance of someone more skilled than you. Sticking with the fire theme this may be getting someone to help you throw a wet towel over a chip pan fire.

Then there are the problems which may require the help of a paid expert. (“The house is on fire! Run like fuck! Save my China dolls!)

Chances are that most of you will know one or two people who can handle minor to major problems. Having a so-called ‘computer expert’ in your address book is always handy. I know enough about PCs to use them comfortably and can help various people with one or two problems. But there are times when I have to call up my friend’s for something I don’t know the solution to. It’s a beautiful spectrum of geekhood.

But! Don’t become too reliant. Not every problem is resolvable. Just because your neighbour with the hairlip helped you rid your PC of a few viruses doesn’t mean he’ll know how to hook you up to the matrix using a system of network cables and some lightening. We all have our skills and weaknesses. For instance: I’m terrible when it comes to networking. That’s my major weak spot in terms of PC troubleshooting. And I’m not exactly a professional in anything else either.

To be honest, there are going to be times when you’ll have to admit defeat. Computer fixes can only go so far before you’re having to get the nerdy Saturday worker at the local repair shop to wipe your entire system clean and start from scratch. I can only hope you backed up all that balloon fetish porn you had. That’s right. I know all about it!

Okay, so that takes care of the actual computers themselves. What’s next?

Computer adverts lie

You will have seen these knocking about on TV. Microsoft and Apple have been battling it out over the past couple of years trying to out bullshit each other with their terrible assumptions about what people use their computers or the Internet for.

Let me get right to the point: I have never, ever, known a family to gather around their communal PC in their laboratory white kitchen and send photos of their son in a birthday hat to their Grandma who’s living it up in Las Vegas.

And I have never known, or seen, anyone use their mobile Internet to exchange minutes from their last meeting or arrange a business lunch with Jenkins from Sales. Maybe I’m hanging out with the wrong people (or in this case, the right people!) but this shit just does not go on in the real world. I know adverts aren’t meant to be true to life but the impression it gives about the Information Age is so clouded in idealism that it’s actually quick sickening. It’s awash with puritanical family values and entrepreneurial success that appeals to a lifestyle that no one is leading.

Take note of the phrase I used just up there: Information Age. Particularly the word ‘information’. The Internet – for me and many others – is a vast scope of knowledge and facts and data before it’s a communication tool. Yes, no one can deny what the Internet has done for communication and business but where are the adverts showing a person looking up a unique recipe for a Mai Tai? Or a keen stargazer reading mind-blowing articles on NewScientist?

Yes the iPad shows someone browsing through text-heavy sites. But if you watch the advert you see the hand flicking through these web sites like they’re fucking channel surfing. Not sitting quietly and absorbing the knowledge like a normal person.

The internet has so much more to offer (more on that later). And so I don’t have to put if off any further…

The Internet has porn…deal with it!

This is nothing new or shocking anymore. As long as there is the Internet there will be porn. Just like so long as there are laws there will always be people willing to break them.

It feels a little redundant saying that there is porn on the ‘net (to use the common vernacular), but I think it’s worth stressing just how ubiquitous it can be. There is absolutely no point in denying that there, in fact, about 712 quadrillion boobies floating around cyberspace at this very moment. It’s almost awe-inspiring if you think about it.

Parents, this one is probably more for your sake. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that your child is responsible enough to not do a keyword search for ‘lusty babes’ or whatever. After all they know you can trace their browser history. But that doesn’t matter. It’s not about being irresponsible. It’s about having something at your disposal that not only arouses curiosity but has also never existed until about fifteen years ago.

Think back to when you were a child (some of you may have to do some serious synapse firing for this exercise). If you had, say, a magical suitcase under your bed that gave you access to as much pornography, or violent comics, or sweets as you could handle for practically free (if not actually free) could you honestly say that you couldn’t dip your hand into that wonderful Samsonite? Even out of mild curiosity?

Now convert that suitcase into a laptop with wireless capabilities and give it to your 12-year old offspring.

Look if you don’t want them watching two moistened ladies ‘scissoring’ each other in a hotel suite then it’s you who is going to have to be responsible.

For the rest of you reading this and thinking that you’re about to be interrupted mid-sentence by the sight of six or eight people somersaulting onto each other’s junk, bare in mind that porn being ubiquitous doesn’t mean you’re likely to come across it by accident. (heh)

Finding porn is like finding anything on the Internet. You have to physically either know an address to go to directly or you have to actively type in a keyword search. If you’re not sure whether what you are clicking on is porn then read the goddamn search results. They have descriptions to clue you in. And Google Images comes with an adult filter to save any unintended embarrassment. (or boners)

If you don’t want porn, then don’t go searching for it. It’s actually not a hard concept. But if you are looking for some porn, drop me a line I know this great hangout joint.

Speaking of porn:

There is more to the Internet than 3 or 4 sites

I was deadly serious before when I said that the Internet has so much to offer. When I first started using the Internet I was mesmerised with what I could look up. I went to web sites of my favourite bands to check out latest news on them. I looked up questionable articles about how to make weapons. I downloaded an unending cavalcade of free games and trial software. And yes, I even saw my first boobs on the Internet (sorry Mum!)

Quickly, give me the name of web site!

How many of you said (or rather, thought) Google? Youtube? Facebook? Myspace? Twitter?…

Anything else? Is that it? Five web sites. Come have a look at my bookmarks. I have sites about humorous articles (of which I will try and pitch this blog post to), gaming news, alternative news, job listings for freelancers, message boards I frequent, alternative search engines to Google and information on how to go about applying for a Master’s Degree.

This is not me being an Internet snob (I use Facebook quite frequently, in fact I’ll be posting the address for this post as a status). I know most people browse more than the above sites but my biggest concern is that future generations won’t see beyond these few. Facebook is already a one-stop place for just about everything. Many sites, including news sites, now give you the option to sign in to your Facebook account without actually being there. And I know Google is still powerful but with its database of everything you’ve ever searched for in the past can we honestly still trust it? Remember when we talked about searching porn? Now think about Google storing that information in its files…

See, I remember a time before Google (how many new generation surfers can say that?) and even though we had search engines there was still no one-stop place for our browsing. The Internet was (and still is) so vast that it was impossible to explore it all. This expansion is still on going and it’s still an amazing place to find information.

Stick to your Facebook and your Twitter by all means. But don’t forget that under the blanket of this corporate takeover of the Internet is still the little guy trying to get the word out.

And now my post has turned all preachy and shit. Thanks noobs!

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NOTE: This post is intended satirically. If you don’t know what satirical means click here and then kindly step away from the Internet.

Faites. Vous. Parlez. Anglais ?!
Do. You. Speak. English?!

Je ne suis pas raciste, mais…
I’m not racist, but…

Regardez ce immigrants au chômage. Pourquoi ne pas lui trouver un emploi?
Look at that unemployed immigrant. Why doesn’t he get a job?

Regardez qui employait des immigrants. Voler tous nos emplois!
Look at that employed immigrant. Stealing all our jobs!

Saviez-vous que le cancer peut causer le cancer?
Did you know that cancer can cause cancer?

Les demandeurs d’asile de vidange de l’économie…
Asylum seekers drain the economy…

La fuite des chômeurs de l’économie…
The unemployed drain the economy…

Les personnes en surpoids de vidange de l’économie…
Overweight people drain the economy…

Hourra pour l’argent des impôts pour payer un mariage royal!
Hooray for tax money paying for a royal wedding!

Vous (nationalité) sont vraiment / ne (stéréotype).
You (nationality) really are/do (stereotype).

Quelle heure est-Big Brother sur?
What time is Big Brother on?

D’autres caméras sont une bonne chose.
More cameras are a good thing.

Qu’est-ce! Un excès de vitesse!
What! A speeding ticket!

Damn les musulmans / étrangers / non-patriotes / yobbos!
Damn those muslims/foreigners/non-patriots/yobbos!

J’aime que nous vivons dans un pays libre et démocratique…
I love that we live in a free democratic country…

Bien sûr nous devons renoncer à notre liberté pour la sécurité!
Of course we should give up our freedom for security!

Sors de ma personne pays [qui ne sont pas d’accord]!
Get out of my country [person who does not agree]!

I could literally do this all day…

Thank you Daily Mail. Thank you for providing teh lulz!

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