An Open Letter To My Twitter Deserters

Posted: April 14, 2013 in Misc.
Tags: , , , , ,

Was…was it something I said? Was it something I didn’t say? Maybe my choice of retweets and pseudo-humorous take on news items was not the sort of wisdom you had come to seek when you clicked the ‘Follow’ button. Or perhaps you didn’t mean to press it, but chose to wait an appropriate amount of time to pass before you removed me from your list. Maybe you thought that was the polite thing to do, rather than make it obvious you hadn’t intended to click ‘Follow’.

It’s okay, I won’t be mad. You can tell me…

As for the whole ‘promise of cake’ thing: was that what intrigued you? Rest assured I did not mean to get your hopes up about delicious baked goods being delivered to you. God, I really hope you weren’t just a follower because you were under the impression that a scrumptious gateaux was being prepared. My apologies if you were mislead. This also wasn’t some elaborate jape, where I suckered people in knowing they had a fancy for Boston cream pies only to laugh maniacally when no cake was presented. Like some pastry-based Ebay scam.

I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. Please...please don't look at it...

I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry. Please…please don’t look at it…

I know I’m fairly new to the whole Twitter thing, but I’m making the most of the 140 characters I’m given. I’m not about to waste those characters with banal details about my toilet breaks and Spongebob quotes. I wanted to show you what I had to offer in my little corner of the Internet. But somewhere along the line, things went wrong.

Please come back to me. Let’s get a debate going. Just tell me what I did that made you not love me any more. I’ll promise I’ll do what it takes to clean up my act, cut down on booze, wash my dishes when — oh, sorry…force of habit…

I promise. No more empty promises about Battenbergs. No more re-tweets from Ricky Gervais, if that’s what it’ll take. If you need more dick jokes, I got plenty. If not, consider them gone. But I must know how I can make amends. We barely got to know each other. I bet you would have liked me. I’m sure we would have gotten along famously. Besides, 69 followers is pathetically small. And it makes my girlfriend giggle…

Justify my existence with a comment

  1. muddledmuppet says:

    Twitter is weird. Well let me rephrase, the internet is weird… no.. still not right… people are weird.
    Actually, this comment is starting to look weird and it had so much hope when it first poked it;s head thru the interwebby pipe, eyes blinking with the sudden rush of light, that feeling of ‘I can be anything I want’ surging majestically, a voice of triumph against the cynicism of old age.
    and yet already this comment has started to wind down, having peaked too early it now spends afternoons in pubs leaning on other unread unwanted comments promising eternal friendship, ‘you n me againsht th’ worl’ pal’
    This comment was almost a contender, but thankfully, too long for twitter

    • Andrew says:

      The important thing is you tried…and I got a nice juicy comment for my (almost defunct) blog. I really should do some more of the ha-ha’s. Oh well, I guess Twitter will do for now.

      Thanks for the comment dude.

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