Can’t Stop To Chat…

Posted: February 23, 2013 in Anecdotes
Tags: , , , , , ,

…For I have a Best Man Speech to write, ladies and gentleducks. Yeah you heard me right: BEST man speech. I am the Best Man. THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! As I have come to interpret it.

Okay okay okay, enough tomfoolery. No, seriously I am writing a Best Man Speech at the moment. This entry is merely a break from that and not in the least bit because I’ve hit an empty spot in my head that should have been filled with witty and masculine best man one-liners. Apparently such a spot has been left vacant so here I am using all my word count to update my blog.

The thing is, you’d think I’d be able to conjure up hundreds of anecdotes and heavily filtered stories for the groom, seeing as he’s, you know, my brother and all. I know, I’m a crappy sibling. Like the time I accidentally broke my brother’s front tooth with a plate. Ooh, that’s good…I’m writing that one down. [ABSENCE OF WRITING SOUNDS]

See, I know there’s going to be a lot of pressure on me to be funny. And that isn’t speculation on my part either; my sister has actually said to me that “Heh, you’re funny you. It’s going to be a funny speech this. I can’t wait…Funny” Yeah, great. Funny. I can do funny. Look at me…being all funny and what-not. Oh I’ll certainly make every effort but with my audience consisting of my Nan, several small and easily corrupted children and my Nan it’s going to be a tough gig. And seeing as how the vast majority of my jokes involve penises that go into places penises don’t normally go I’m sort of up a certain watery body without the correct paddling equipment. (I’m shit at expressions too)

But it’s not all bad. It is, in fact, quite an honour to be given the task of warming the guests up. I’ll get to toast my brother and his new wife, quaff champagne the way working class people do whenever they’re presented with expensive alcohol. But until that point I am just digressing. I must get back to preparing this speech. I wonder how many vagina jokes I can get past my god-fearing Nan? I reckon twenty-six…

"Vaginas. They're good aren't they?" [MANY SOUNDS OF WRITING]

“Vaginas. They’re good aren’t they?” [MANY SOUNDS OF WRITING]

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