This Is Not A Post About Snow…

Posted: January 19, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

There comes an age when you feel that you can objectively look at your own life and skill sets and be able to ascertain key traits that you hold, whether they be good or bad. You might find that, for instance, you’re a good listener, or you have a natural flair for learning instruments or languages but you anger easily (rage + piss poor ukulele skills = instant panty remover). Maybe you finally admit that you’re not so good at cooking but you can do a mean impression of a constipated Anthony Hopkins.

So approaching the end of my twenties I feel I can say the following with no hint of ego whatsoever: I have a goddamn amazing immune system.

This revelation was realised a couple of years ago when it became apparent that whilst people around me collapsed inwardly into a gooey ball consisting entirely of nose juice and scrunched up tissues, I stood proud and gleaming like I’d broken an invincibility box in a Sonic game.


I’m also an impatient tosser…

That’s not to imply that I never get ill. I would be a highly wanted man by the pharmaceutical industry otherwise. Either that or a convenient plot device in an M. Night movie (Shut up, I can’t spell his last name without looking it up!). But during peak flu season I seem to bounce away unscathed with my phlegm-free face and apparently spring-loaded shoes. And this winter period seems to be no different.

The reason I bring this up now is because my girlfriend is currently ill and is making a slow recovery from tonsillitis. Without going into too much obvious detail my girlfriend being ill and the kind of acts young, virile couples in primal states of lust generally become engaged in should be adequate enough conditions for germs to cross from one host to another with little commuting involved. In fact the boundaries between my girlfriend’s system and my own have been so unguarded that there’s a good chance Alex Jones is currently leading an investigation into why we are ‘keeping the borders wide open’…

But I can’t quite figure out why I don’t seem to suffer from flus, severe colds and – in this case – tonsillitis. Yes I have done in the past but not to the degree that you would expect given my tendency to make naked snow angels and hug in-patients whilst naked and covered in snow. One theory I like to tell people is due to my alcohol consumption. Now, while I have cut back severely since last March there is still a strong possibility that enough alcohol courses through me at any given moment to stave off foreign germs (my immune system is secretly a xenophobe). I did, after all, read some years back that during the Spanish Influenza in 1918 those who remained sloshed throughout were less prone to catching the illness. Though I don’t know if self-embalming was a better alternative to sickness…and…oh wait, death. Yeah alcoholism was probably the way to do it (Fuck you “med-i-cine”)


Yeah you’d like me to do that wouldn’t you..?

No, I don’t believe this theory for my own quasi-impervious trait but it did give some credibility to my drinking habits. Now all I have is the theory that I’m being kept healthy by some cosmic means whose purpose for me has yet to be revealed but no doubt will be during some much-spoken event as foretold in ancient tomes.

Either that or, much like my menstrual cycle and breast growth, I’m just a very late bloomer.

Put on these rubber gloves and leave me a comment


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