I’ve Just Had A (Zombie) Thought…

Posted: October 23, 2012 in Misc., Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

…Everybody is clamouring for a zombie apocalypse. Something about a populace overrun by scuffling corpses reanimated by a virus/chemical testing/voodoo magic/a new iPhone (you know who you are) awakens this dormant and almost primate urge to shoot the bejeezus out of things; namely people.

In instances like this the walking dead risen from eternal rest is a rare moment in which regular people want the same thing as necrophiliacs. Though for polar reasons obviously. (graves are hard to dig, yo)

The whole zombie apocalypse thing has pretty much been done to death. You only need to have a quick root in your local Game or Gamestation retailer to see enough zombie related titles to keep you going through an actual outbreak. But what’s weird is that it’s still on the cutting edge of popular culture whereas most phenomenon would have found its way bumped right down the meme hierarchy by now, like an X-Factor winner who’s been reduced to cabaret acts on family cruise holidays.

What strikes me as a little bias (though understandable) is everyone who deeply fantasises about this apocalypse always imagines how they’d survive. Where they would go, what supplies they would scavenge, the best places to secure a defence etc. You probably already know at least one person who has seriously considered – or actually worked on – a survival plan for such an inevitability.

But everyone always thinks of themselves as being amongst the survivors. No one ever considers the real possibility that they might actually wind up as one of the undead. Everybody wants to be the gun toting gun toter, toting their guns like it’s a keytar and not a deadly assault weapon. For places like England where guns are about as ubiquitous as a child with a law degree this should be an almost laughable thought process.

Let’s face it: we can’t all be heroic survivors donning bandannas and standing on supermarket rooftops with perfect sniper aim. The vast majority of people are going to have to be zombies. It’s not an apocalypse otherwise. It barely qualifies as an infestation.

I’m not suggesting people opt for becoming a zombie. We all want to survive. But for a popular gaming and movie fictional franchise it’s become so embedded in our culture that people talk with complete sincerity about it happening, as though it’s anything but an impossibility. So I don’t think it would hurt for people to have some degree of realism. I know ‘realism’ and ‘zombie outbreak’ aren’t the best bed fellows but when it comes to the walking dead – to paraphrase from a Cracked.com columnist slightly – we don’t so much suspend disbelief as we do strap it to a jet pack.

I’ll get the ball rolling on this one: I don’t think I would count myself amongst the survivors. I like to think I’m a fast runner but I have piss poor stamina. Put me in a situation where I’d have to fight my way through zombies and I could probably handle one or two. Maybe more. And only then with a blunt weapon which, as everyone knows, puts me at greater risk of being bitten.

Not to mention that zombies are essentially just corpses. Much of their body is just dead weight (Heh, dead weight. That’s funny, I’m funny…) so it wouldn’t take more than a few to pin me down. Game over for me. Mrrrrrrrrraaaaaaarrrrrrrr…etc.

And then with so many people turning all around you that unthinkable situation that everyone dreads will eventually have to be dealt with: killing a loved one. I’m just going to throw my hands up here and straight up admit that I couldn’t do it. No, I don’t care if it’s for survival putting a machete to a loved one’s brain when they’re a zombie is not something I could envision doing. I’m still human, which means I still have my emotions.

Remember that running I mentioned before? I’d be doing that with much less than thought that hacking away at – say – my girlfriend’s face. “But what if you’re in a situation where you can’t escape?” Then I’d be doing everything I can to make sure killing wasn’t an option: kicking, pushing, climbing. Anything.

“But what if it’s an absolute last res-” Shut up imaginary hindsight person. You’re ruining my rant. Also, you don’t exist…

“But I love you”.

I love you too IHP. But move along now.

Oh sure I would be alongside everyone else amidst the apocalypse, trying to survive. And I’m not saying that you couldn’t count on me when the time came. But let’ just say that if the zombie apocalypse was an episode of The Weakest Link then I’d probably be out by about the second round. And I wouldn’t even have a witty comeback to smite Anne Robinson with.

So I’ve accepted my fate. I’d be good for a while but eventually I’d become so overwhelmed, so exhausted that it probably wouldn’t be much longer until zombies began spreading my insides on Ritz crackers. And you know I’m okay with that. Because it just means that if I do survive to the end (is there an end to these things??) it’ll just make the victory that much sweeter.

I can’t believe I found an image for ‘brains on crackers’…

So who’s with me? Come on, don’t be a wuss! You get to eat brains…

Leave a comment

  1. Well, when you put the brains on crackers they don’t look half bad… 🙂

    • Andrew says:

      If I put another cracker on top then I can pretend it’s just cheese in the middle. Bleeding cheese, granted, but I’m sure I’ll endure.

      • Well, with the Zombie population around here, I’m willing to try anything to help deal with the buggers. While annoying, they do make excellent fodder for my blog posts, so I guess I owe them some sort of thank you. 🙂

      • Andrew says:

        Ah zombies. We never get tired of talking/writing about them do we? I’ve probably blogged about them more times than I realise. They just infect our culture; the ultimate meme 🙂

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