Why I No Longer Want A Smartphone…

Posted: September 12, 2012 in Anecdotes
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve had a smartphone for about a year and a half. I must admit it’s not something I embraced with a whole lot of zeal, rather I got one because I’d started a job that allowed me to afford one. The novelty was certainly nice and it was a rather fetching phone to begin with.

A little late on the band wagon but my splendiferous* new hTC was a handy little instrument and the apps, features and my newfound love of touch screen technology (more on that later) dumped me right where I should have been living in the 21st Century some time ago. Hip, I felt. Groovy, I was.

But with just over six months left on my contract I feel I can say the following words with the missing aforementioned zeal I should have had in the beginning: FUCK smart phones! Fuck them in whatever place is accepting of whichever turgid, long and violently spiked implement I can get hold of.

I’m serious. Once my contract is due for a renewal I will skip my way into the phone shop, take the new contract they will have ready for me, roll it good and tight, smoke it through the hole in my bum, stub the rest out on my old phone before writing “TWAT” across its screen in the remaining smouldering ash. Then I’ll train ducks to quack “Fuck off” at the Phones4U staff.

Let me justify my outburst by saying that I’m not against the idea of smartphones. And this is not me going down that nostalgic dirt path where I want to go back to a time before mobile phones took off. Good god no! A world without broadband or Valve games! The very thought…

No, I tried, I bought, fuck it now I want out. I want to downgrade to a simpler, perhaps even primitive, phone device that I can use as a phone for phoning and stuff. I could be tempted to not get a new phone at all and go completely without. But now that’s pretty much impossible. We’re so used to having a phone on our person that going without is almost unheard of. I have friends and a girlfriend (sorry ladies and dolled up farm animals) who are in touch with me on a regular basis. We need that connectivity here in 2012.

The Gun-Phone: keeping people connected. Often with hilarious results…

The reasons why I want to do away with my smartphone are few but I think warranted. Phones aren’t phones anymore when you think about it; they’re portable computers. This is not a new insight. I think most people are aware that what they have in their hand is essentially a mini PC but what a lot of people don’t come to terms with is that they need to be treated as such.

They have hard drives, processors, memory etc. And just like a home computer the more crap you put on it the more sluggish the machine becomes. This has been my problem pretty much from day one. I have been battling between deleting and installing software and apps trying to decide which ones to keep and which to discard into Hawking’s black hole. Much like the spec on your PC, your phone spec will determine which software is compatible and how well it will run.

My phone is not the best and often things struggle to run at an optimum rate, causing me to delete yet more apps to clear more space. Yeah I could invest in larger capacity but for the sake of a few extra downloads the money doesn’t seem worth it. I have enough on there as it is to keep me occupied at places you wouldn’t normally be occupied. Court hearings for example.

And therein lies another problem: the distraction. I mentioned in the previous entry that I find technology and the internet distracting. This is one example of that. I will always take a book with me to work to read whilst on my break (Chuck Palahniuk’s Pygmy seeing as you asked…quietly…in my own mind) but so many times I’ve left the book untouched because I’d rather check my Facebook for notifications or read humorous, nerdy chat room logs from qdb.us on my phone.

But the one thing, my absolute quintessential reason for wanting to rid myself of the curse of modern phone technology is the touchscreen. There I said it!

“I also REALLY hate Hollyoaks. But that’s for a different group session…”

Call me technophobic if you wish (why the hell would you?) but I cannot get used to a touchscreen keyboard. Its tiny pseudo-buttons make texting a precise lunar landing and I have never, ever, since owning a smartphone written out an entire text message flawlessly in one go. Not once! There have been times where I’ve spelt every single word wrong.

I know I could flip the phone on its side to make the keyboard bigger. But turning it sideways makes it look like the futuristic equivalent of turning the centrefold 90 degrees so the naked woman is the right way up. It’s fidgety and a pain and with the aforementioned hardware restrictions it’s often slow and….and…and fucking stupid!

And don’t talk to me about non touchscreen phones like the Blackberry: the phone with a keyboard the size of a cat’s thought. So I’m done. I’m downgrading and I don’t care who knows it. I want something that’s cheaper, with less features and preferably no internet. I’m outside I don’t need to check my emails. I have a laptop and a PC for that! When I get home!

Yeah I’ll miss little things like not being able to quickly check train times as and when I need to. But I have friends with smartphones. I’m sure they’ll let me use theirs…


Also: this does not make me a hipster!

Nope. Not one.

What say you? How are you getting along with your devices?

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*This sounds like something Dr. Seuss would make up. I assure you it’s a real word.


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