A Question I So Very Rarely Get To Ask Myself…

Posted: June 15, 2012 in Anecdotes

What is it about working nights that makes me fart?

Maybe the middle of the night is just my fart time and obviously I don’t notice it when I’m asleep. It would explain the dead bumblebees and peeling wallpaper each morning. Anyway, yes I have started working nights again on account of my needing money to eat and drink. I don’t know how many of you have worked a night shift before but there is something a wee bit depressing about the whole affair.

I mean, not necessarily the job itself. Some people can’t hack working these kinds of shifts but adjusting your sleep pattern is probably the least joyless aspect of it. What I find the most melancholic is seeing how it affects the people who work these shifts. Maybe it’s the complete 180 people have to do to their body clocks but it almost seems to physically change people; they look like a superimposed image of themselves digitally altered to look a decade older. I swear I see some of them visibly shrivel when they walk in. And their complexion leaves me no other option than to describe it as ‘beetroot’. It’s hard to fathom how old some of these people are but I would wager their age to be anywhere from twenty-nine to 306.

So why the sudden change? You know, I’m not entirely sure myself. At times I feel at a loss; that there’s some unearthly conspiracy against me to stop me escaping the Dark Realm of Hellish Retail Jobs. I have simply lost count of the number of times I’ve said the phrase “I’m done with retail. That’ll be £19.99 please” and then my past self (watching from the cosmos) shakes his head in disbelief.

But wallowing aside there is something alluring about late night shifts. For instance: you know what I’ve really taken a shine to lately? Drinking a beer at 7:30am whilst playing Half Life 2; made all the sweeter with the festering knowledge that most people are just getting up and crawling towards their parked cars to begin their work day. Of course the reverse can be said about me later on in the evening. But I’m not here to talk about that. Shut up! Let me have this one victory!

So in conclusion: the graveyard shift gives me gas. Go figure…

A phrase you’ll never hear on a night shift: “God it’s too a nice a day to be stuck in here!”

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