When Are You No Longer An Ex..?

Posted: April 1, 2012 in Anecdotes, Misc.
Tags: , , , ,

…good question, me. After a relationship has ended (and the crockery promptly replaced. Possibly with something less fragile like paper, or tungsten) there seems to be this no-man’s land of finite time where you somehow stop being an ex to the last person(s) you were with. Who knows when it happens but in my experience there is this point in life where I suddenly realise that I am no longer an ex.

It’s kind of like being told you’re an adult, in that philosophical sense. There’s no real ‘Eureka’ moment where you transcend from a child into an adult. And teenagers aren’t really people anyway so we can assume that’s just the awkward filling of life between growing and grown. This expanse of time can be chopped up an unlimited amount of times and still you probably won’t find the exact moment where you go from being an ex to being an ex no longer. Whether you remain friends with your previous partner or not.

But here’s how I found out.

My relationship with my ex is awash with friendly drinks and talks about current love interests or past exploits. And not in that bullshit way where you smile and nod as she explains the plethora of wang that has slapped her with vigour on all areas of her flesh. Or where she pretends to be interested in whoever you’re currently dating even if, secretly, all I’m doing is lying on a urine soaked mattress masturbating into crisp packets.

Why are you laughing? Anyway, the way I found out that my relationship with my last girlfriend was no longer “this is my ex” and became “this is my friend. Please don’t present him with crisp packets” was the simple way she began to greet me. Rather than that awkward hello followed by a forced hug she has now taken to affectionately greeting me as “Dude!”

Dude! Is it really that simple? And it’s not said with any degree of irony or hidden insult. “Alright dude?” just seems to cement the now-Platonic stance we both take in terms of a real friendship. Dude implies a drinking buddy, someone you text when you get laid or someone you high five over the back of another woman. Dude places people slap bang in the Friend Zone, with no awkward complications and a complete dismissal of any sexual tension.

It seems to be the universally accepted way to greet someone who is your mate. In many cultures it’s followed with an impromptu high five or ‘bro fist’ (the person who invented that phrase has no real world concept of innuendos…). I mean, married couples don’t greet each other with “dude”. There is no ambiguity with a word like that. It tells the world that this a friendship based on flatulence, calling each other “gay” or knocking back shots with. That shit is off limits to married couples. But to be honest, if I do find a woman who can greet me as “dude” and still take her clothes off in front of me I think I’ll marry the bitch…

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