Dating (AKA…Actually, I Don’t Know Anything About Dating)…

Posted: November 26, 2011 in Anecdotes, Misc.
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Being single is hard. No, shut up! It totally is! Put your bony arm back around that lingerie model you just met and let me go into some detail.

I became single during summertime this year and admittedly it has come with its share of perks. My current down-and-out status (because for some odd reason society won’t pay me to dance in front of heavy traffic in just some suggestive boxers – so much for the fucking future! Am I right, comrades?) allows me a little extra dough in my pocket for non-girlfriend activities. In the current economical turmoil that is now less interesting to society than a Christian-based sock puppet theatre show, even the most ‘wuvved’ up idealist must admit that not having financial commitments tied to a significant other has some benefits. Cocaine and hookers are expensive!

Speaking of which: boobies.

Clevage: making men in relationships bite their knuckles in frustration...

Being single also allows for a much more, shall we say, flexible daily allowance of ogling the plethora of walking moist-havers like a sex criminal who has learnt how to deactivate his Bad Thoughts collar. Many forward thinkers like to refer to these booby models as women. Now, I’m a liberal kind of fella so I believe this is a phrase I can adopt into my lexicon. Wo-men…am I pronouncing that right?

Okay, casual misogyny aside, I am no stranger to the odd liaison and being single does allow for a certain leeway when it comes to bringing drunken girls back to your room. And unless you really have a thing for pieces of cutlery in your temple (I await links) it is probably considered a faux pas to do this sort of activity whilst in a relationship. Seriously, broken pieces of plate in your cheek hurt. I bet…

So I’ve had my share of ‘encounters’ (I’m 28. Why can’t I just say ‘one night fucking stands, yo’?!) but for some reason there is one thing I just cannot get the hang of: dating.

In the past few months of being single I have asked about eight women out. Not a bad amount. Though terrible if you consider that only one of those dates actually happened. And even that was only a half date. This little gripe would be easy to dismiss had the (lucky lucky) women said no to me. But this was not the case. Only two gave a ‘maybe’ or some non-committal answer. The rest said ‘yes’. And yet only one (half) date occurred.

And I think I know what’s causing this lull in my ability to cope with being single. I could blame my own ineptitude but as mentioned it’s not that I’ve been rejected. Or even spat at. I think my short comings are – in part – due to my inability to truly let women know my intentions. After all, a date doesn’t necessarily have to be the pre-requisite to a new relationship. It’s not a straight forward state of affairs and it can be just as confusing for the other person as it can be for the one who is doing the courting.

I think a lot of it lies squarely on dating sites. Being online precisely 200 hours a day (I’ve done the maths, it’s accurate) seems to have either stunted my confidence or slowly diminished the part of my brain that is capable of giving signals. Signals that say “Hey, this is just a getting-to-know-you date” or “Hey, how many Cosmopolitans does it usually take to get you naked?” The Internet, almost by definition, allows its users to remain stoic whilst writing the most heart-felt email so surely that debilitation will transfer into the real world.

Sending a message allows for a stroke-y beard moment where you draft and redraft your perfect introduction before hitting the send button. I fully admit to even opening my dictionary software to make sure the word I’m using is right. I may even go and make some fresh coffee whilst I wittily construct my next sentence in my head and twiddle my eyebrow pensively (I don’t have a waxed moustache). This allows for a veritable magnum opus when it comes to that first email to someone who has taken your fancy. Compare that to the jittery nerves and broken sentences that accompany you whilst trying to woo someone in real life. Successful though you may be in getting a positive response, a lot of what you say is shown through your body language. Of which I have very little.

But you’d think all this practice at messaging potential dates (sorry, women…still getting used to that word) would build up your confidence. The responses you would get online would surely give you the chance to fine tune your technique. All it then takes is the correct execution to someone face-to-face and half the battle is won. You bronzed, slick stallion you!

This would all be fine and dandy if I actually received responses. I don’t expect every woman I message to necessarily go for someone like me (yes, they do exist) and I don’t even mind if their reply isn’t as in-depth as the one I crafted during one particularly trouserless and alcohol-induced night. But I think a kind word back would not go totally unappreciated. It may sound like a small peeve but you’d be surprised how an ignored email from someone you’re interested in can really shoot someone’s confidence down. Especially when you know that person has accessed their account since sending your message. Which, to me, just says “You are not important or attractive enough to deserve my word givings. Kindly fuck a lampost.”

That sounds needlessly pessimistic I know, but you try telling that to the thousands of unanswered emails currently weighing my mind down. Oh dejection, thy name is Everybody On OkCupid…

And this is why being single is hard. Or maybe I just don’t know how to be single without my wang being involved…

If your breakups look like this, chances are you're a Drama student...

Leave a comment

  1. … do you want a response to this? I think I could give you one, but I’m not sure whether you liked the answer … 😉

  2. Andrew says:

    All responses are welcome. I have admin powers at least 🙂

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