What’s more uplifting than a jaunty Christmas song?

Posted: December 2, 2010 in Christmas
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Answer: A jaunty Christmas song about date rape.

It’s that special time of year now where the most heinous of crimes will be committed in public: that of the festive chart-topper. Not new ones you understand. But songs from an era bypassed that are the closest thing Noddy Holder gets to reversing time to when he wasn’t a scrotal sac stuffed with porridge.

Apart from making drunk aunties dance until their enormous bloomers hula-hoop their way down their legs to join their nipples on the carpet, I don’t think we tend to pay much attention to Christmas songs. Certainly not the lyrics. I mean, we know the lyrics (by god do we know them!), but I don’t think we have actually thought about what’s being said. Sort of like how 1984’s protagonist, Winston Smith, is taught to hate Goldstein without truly understanding why.


Behind their upbeat exterior is the lamenting, crippling depression of 51 weeks of unemployment...

It’s probably through my general disdain for Christmas songs (as well as Christmas films, Christmas hats, Christmas books, Christmas joy and Christmas Christmas) that has led me to a rather morbid discovery. Take the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” as sung by Tom Jones and Cerys Matthews of Catatonia. Upon several repetitions of this very song at work I was able to dissect it’s very meaning with an even mixture of cunning analysis and some PCP.

Let’s take a look at the lyrics (Cerys’ parts are in italics):

I really can`t stay
But baby, it`s cold outside
I`ve got to go away
Ah, baby, it`s cold outside

Awww, this is pretty sweet. He obviously has his girl’s general well-being in-mind. Chivalry is not dead people. It’s just manifested itself into Tom Jones.

This evening has been
Been hoping that you`d drop in
So very nice
I`ll hold your hands, they`re just like ice

Okay, it’s still pretty integral. Hands need warming. We can go with that. Hang on…aren’t they indoors? Are they snuggled up in a walk-in-freezer or something?

My mother will start to worry
Beautiful, what`s your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor
Listen to that fireplace roar

‘Mother’? ‘Father’? Exactly how old is she?! This is starting to take a creepy turn. An internet-esque creepy turn .

So really I`d better scurry
Oh beautiful, please don`t hurry
Maybe just a half a drink more
Why don`t you put some records on while I pour

Okay so we’ve got the fact that she’s clearly a minor. And he’s offering her what we can only assume is some imported booze or possible something concocted in his basement where he keeps the area dimly lit with candles in skulls.

The neighbours might think
Oh baby, it`s bad out there
Say, what`s in this drink
There`s no cabs to be had out there

This is how it all starts. What originally started as a single malt whiskey on the rocks has suddenly changed flavour since you noticed him pour your drinks with his back to you and snigger to himself.

I wish I knew how
Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell
I`ll take your hat, your hair looks swell

What kind of spell? A dizzy spell? And look, now he’s trying to remove items of your clothing while paying you an eerie compliment. He’s like one of those disturbed people at work that leer down women’s tops and think phrases like “nice tits” is a guaranteed route to Bye-Bye-Virginity Land.

I ought to say no, no, no, sir
Mind if I move a little closer
At least I`m gonna say that I tried
What`s the sense of hurting my pride

That’s right sister. Say no to him! Resist his roofing ways and his waggling eyebrows. Don’t let him get closer to you. You’ll only see him for the sordid rapacious beast that he is. Run while you can!

I really can`t stay
Baby don`t hold out
Ahh, but it`s cold outside

‘Don’t hold out’? Did you get your knowledge of courting and relationships from 80’s teen movies?

I simply must go
Oh, baby, it`s cold outside
The answer is no
You know it`s cold outside

I’m calling the police. Why the hell have I been sat here this whole time and not said anything to this clearly sex-starved monster?

This welcome has been
I`m lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm
Look out the window at that storm

If this is how you coax women into having carnal relations with you then I would go so far as to say you were lucky you don’t already have an injunction. Or do you?

My sister will be suspicious
Oh, your lips look delicious
My brother will be there at the door
Like waves upon a tropical shore

I know her brother as well. He’s not a nice man when he’s had a few and his football team loses. I’m going to send him a text. And enough with the unsettling comments dude, she’ll be passed out in a minute you can gorge away to your heart’s delights then.

My maiden aunt`s mind is vicious
Eww, your lips are delicious
Well maybe just a cigarette more
Never such a blizzard before

I think it’s safe to assume at this point that she is no longer conscious and her parts are being sung (and spread) by the man himself. In a wig. And some lipstick he stole from her purse. I don’t think I want to be here much longer.

I`ve got to go home
Ah, baby, you would freeze out there
Say, lend me a comb
You know it`s up to your knees out there

Oh thank god she’s regained some composure. That’s it love, lead him into a false sense of security. Then *BAM* with the…er…comb? Really? You couldn’t have gone “You know what would really placate me now? A tyre iron. Be a dear…”

You`ve really been grand
I thrill when you touch my hand
But don`t you see
How can you do this thing to me

He’s almost…er…’peaked’. Look at the way his eyes roll back when he touches your hand. Now’s your chance!

There`s bound to be talk tomorrow
Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied
If you caught pneumonia and died

Damn right there’ll be talk. I’m calling social services in the morning. And, dude, I’m pretty sure the only reason she didn’t die right there on your rug via your strong hands is because there’s no room left in your garage for underage girl corpses.

I really can`t stay
Get over that old out
Ah but it`s cold outside

I don’t think we should hang anymore dude. This threesome was a terrible idea…

There is rape, and only rape, in his soul...

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