No more!

Posted: November 29, 2010 in Christmas
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

I say this every damn year: “I am NOT doing Christmas any more!” Then I’ll take another swig of badger blood and throw another hamster onto the fire. It’s not just the usual complaints: the expense, the jingle-jangle of the most gut-wrenching songs, not getting that Batman skateboard when I was eight. There is one much overlooked aspect to this holiday season which is driving me to quaff the blood of innocent animals.

And it’s the phrase: “The perfect gift for Christmas!”

Now, there is absolutely no escaping this marketing choice of words. No doubt you’ll have already seen or heard it at some point (possibly while reading this). And if you haven’t then I severely envy you and your cave-dwelling kind.

That little tagged on phrase at the end of an advert for jewellery or robot sex toy. And it’s obviously used as a last ditch attempt to drum up extra interest in said item. The thing about this phrase is that it’s wholly wrong on every level. Not to mention the fact that it’s also an empty saying. But that could be down to the number of times it’s used throughout the day. Seriously, just watch a few hours worth of adverts from now until December 24th (you people don’t have jobs, right?) and mentally take note of how many times you see or hear this motto or its variants (you don’t have hobbies either, do you?)

And it’s wrong because it can’t possibly be true. How can an item that’s been given 40-seconds of airtime be the absolute cornerstone of everyone’s Christmas shopping list? What’s perfect for one person may be diarrhoea on toast for someone else. More to the point: if it were the perfect present (conveniently advertised at the most consumer-driven time of the year in the Western hemisphere) why are there so many of these so-called ‘perfect gifts’? Surely if there really was a present that had reached perfection there would be only one product. It’s perfect, there is no need for anything else. This thing is the elixir for the modern person.

If I see a WH Smith advert for a pseudo-famous celebrity biography or a HMV one for a new CD that runs the gamut of the entire chart list before the end of the year where it’s then promptly taken out the back and shot in the lyrics booklet, I’m not thinking “Well, I should buy that if they’re saying it’s perfect. Put down that shrivelled badger and let’s hit the shops!”

No, what I’m thinking is: “Wow, you mean there’s an item that is a combined vomiting cash machine, genital pleaser, neck masseuse, Dawn French-impersonating, cocktail mixing pile of Angel Delight-esque awesome in the guise of a hardback book? With extra sex?”

See…that is about as close as I am going to get to my idea of a perfect gift. And even that’s flawed. The idea behind a perfect gift is also flawed for the previously stated reasons. Perfection is a biased and absurd concept that is always, always, an impossible goal to reach. Perfection means striving for some end product that is just not there. And even if it were there and it was reachable all that happens then is people descend into mediocrity, having accomplished infallability.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have some reindeer to zest.

  1. RevNick says:

    Wow, I finally found your blog. This truly is the perfect gift for Christmas!

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